Day 18 of Bruce's Recovery

August 21, 2009

Each morning I go out to visit my dad. I arrive up in his new room #240 in PCU (Progressive Care Unit) and I stand back and stare at him. When I first see him, I think of him as a puzzle. I can see the whole picture from the box but there are pieces of the puzzle that I'm trying to fit together to make the puzzle complete. Today lots of the pieces were already together. But for hours now I have stared at just a few pieces, trying to get them to fit in the puzzle. This is an example of what I walked into today. My dad had a fever last night so the nurses are trying to keep it down this morning. My dad decided yesterday to pull at his feeding tube and now today he is in severe pain in his stomach. His breathing is very fast and he is not responsive except when you push on his stomach, he says "ouch". All those little issues are my puzzle pieces. And even though I am his daughter and not a doctor, I feel that it is my responsibility to put the puzzle pieces where they belong.

Tim and I took my mom out to dinner last night. It was a beautiful night as we sat outside in the heart of downtown Denver enjoying each others company. The atmosphere was perfect, dinner was delicious but my dad was missing. His laughter, his stories, his smile-he wasn't there. As we tried to be there to support my mom, I was reminded of the sorrow my heart was feeling. The emptiness and sadness that I push aside each day. When we got home it had hit me. Life will never be the same. It only took seconds for my dad to be taken away from me. Don't get me wrong, I have hope that he will get better and make a full recovery but I can't lie to any of you that thoughts don't cross my mind about what else could go wrong. And as I said in the beginning on this post, I walked in this morning trying to fit those pieces into my dad's puzzle, watching him and hoping nothing else will go wrong. I believe that I will fit all of those pieces together and one day complete my dad's puzzle. Until then, I will wait and continue to visit him. Walking in each morning with my goal of completing his puzzle.